Hey Storyman! Where’s the stories?

So, I haven't posted any stories for a while and, as I notice that some incredibly lovely people continue to drop by (and if you're reading this, that includes you), I thought I owed you all an apology and some flimsy attempts at excuses. The Apology Sorry. The Excuses Ok, so I have definitely been …

An Ode to Procrastination

I'm a budding writer, I write almost every day, Unless I get distracted or my muse goes away, I'm writing my first novel, it's gonna be really good, A number one best seller, optioned by Hollywood, It's got mystery and intrigue, characters you'll adore, It's got stirring scenes with thrilling themes and imagery galore, I …

The Traveller

"Sprungleslurp," said Wendelgrunt warmly. "Baaaa," said the sheep. Wendelgrunt shook his head and twisted the small bluish disk on his left wrist. "Zarkfondle," he said with just as much warmth. A warm tone of voice was important in his line of work. "Baaaa," said the sheep. "Nope, not that one either," he said to himself …

Grand Theft Vowel

Jane was never at her most observant in those first few seconds after waking, even so she had a definite inkling that something was wrong. The half read book which had sat half read on her bedside table for almost six months bore the title "James Joyce - Lysses" and she was almost certain that Marilynne Robinson hadn't …

GrimReaper Terminations Inc.

Death awoke to the most stupendous hangover he'd had in years. He felt like someone had just planted a scythe in his brain. "Oh fuck. How much did I drink?" He vaguely remembered trying to poor tequila into a hollowed out skull and had a sense that it had gone badly. The necrophone beeped. Death swore, …

Suspect Mind

"Top me up," I say to the barman, sliding my empty glass towards him. As he turns to pour my drink, I run my hand down the front of my jacket just to check it's still there. It is. Its heaviness feels strange in my pocket. I'm not used to guns. I drain my glass …

Re-Celebducation

The Celebrity approaches me with an outstretched hand and a smile which, from a distance, almost looks genuine. He is so fucking charming, I can tell instantly it's not natural. I hate all these newfangled procedures. As if the muscle implants and the Newskin™ grafts weren't enough, now they all have Charismaplasties and Seductoboosts and God knows …

The Beast of Kawaldi

No wonder no-one ever comes here, Sally thinks to herself as she clambers off the speedboat and onto the island. To call Kawaldi an island is perhaps a little generous. It's a rock. A rock in the middle of nowhere. Or to be more a precise, a rock about 270 miles due east of Antigua which is, …

The Freshcorpse – A short story

"At least it was quick," said the hateful woman from number 42. "Yes, quick and painless," agreed her loathsome neighbour from number 44. "That's the way to go. Quick and painless." "And how the buggering hell would you know?" I shouted. But no one heard me. That's one of the great irritations of being dead …

The Consantabulary Call – An Alternative Christmas Story

"Ho! Ho! Ho!" the menacing voice growled again, each Ho! punctuated with a forceful bang against my door. My mind raced. I mentally ran through my checklist. My tree was up, a regulation six-footer, and had been decorated in sanctioned golds, reds and silvers well before the December 12th deadline. I had sent cards to colleagues I …